Dalam sekelip mata

Allah. Allah. Allah.

Saat aku hampir berputus asa.
Saat aku hampir menyerah kalah.
Sinar Kau menyuluh jalan.
Sinar Kau beri harapan.

Allah. Allah. Allah.
Dalam singkat masa yang tak terjangka.
Kaki melangkah tanpa aku rasa.
Menuju dan hanya ingin bertanya.
Sedang jawapan sedang menanti.
Tersedia untuk diketahui.

Allah. Allah. Allah. 

Aku benar insan yang lemah.
Insan yang selalu tersalah.
Insan yang selalu menyerah.

Kau tukar gelap jadi cerah,
Kau tukar hitam jadi putih,
Dalam sekelip mata.

Mana lagi yang mahu kau kira, wahai manusia?
Mana lagi mahu kau ungkit.
Apa lagi kau mahu, wahai manusia?
Syukurmu sedikit, ungkitmu sebukit.

Allah. Allah. Maafkan aku hambaMu yang hina.

11.59am
25th June 2019

Berita diterima bagai tak percaya
Tukar tempat kerja bukan gurauan semata

Ya Allah, andai benar ini jalan y Kau pilih untukku maka Kau kuatkanlah aku untuk menjalani hari2 yang mendatang, permudahkan segala urusanku dan jgn Kau biarkan aku jauh walau seinci dariMu. Moga dapatku tanamkan kesabaran yang tinggi dalam menjalani kehidupan ini. amin.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. 

Apa lagi kau mahu

Bismillah.

Demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia dalam kerugian, melainkan yang beriman dan yang beramal soleh, melainkan yang berpesan-pesan dgn kebenaran dan kesabaran.
Al-Asr: 1-3

Perasaan itu,
perasaan yang nyata. 

Bukan seketika. 

Perasaan itu,
Masa yang bernilai terhabis kepada sesuatu yang tak pasti,
Sesuatu yang kau tak pasti apa yang kau dapat
Apa yang kau mahu
Apa pengakhiran

Kurang bersyukurkah kau
Terlalu memilihkah kau

Perasaan itu,
Setiap hari setiap saat
Kau tak tahu apa yang kau buat
Kau tak tahu apa yang kau dpt

Manusia akan berkata,
Apa lagi kau mahu
Apa lagi yang kau nak

Kau ada kerjaya
Kau ada tempat berlindung
Kau ada kenderaan utk bergrk
Kau ada keluarga tercinta

Mungkin kau juga akan bertanya,
Apa lagi kau mahu wahai diri,
Kau ada apa seadanya

Kau punya kasih sayang
Kau punya keselamatan
Kau punya kesihatan
Kau punya iman
Kau punya akal

Apa lagi kau mahu?

Aku mahu ketenangan.
Belum aku jumpa.
Aku mahu kepastian.
Aku belum tahu.

Tapi kau bukan Tuhan,
Bukan kau punya rasa untuk kepastian,
Bukan kau punya rasa untuk ketentuan,
Itu kerja Tuhan.

Dan kau, Bukan Tuhan.

Bersyukurlah,
Berimanlah,
Kau masih punya Tuhan.

Kembali pada Dia,
kerna kerja kau hanya meminta,
Berharap dan berdoa,
Yang menentukan bukan kau,
Tapi Dia.

Allahuakhbar.

10.03am
25/6/2019
Manusia mencari makna

Infected

Bismillah..

My daughter was recently admitted to ward for 5 days for pneumonia. Positive pneumoccocal virus. 

Procrastinating. That blame should be put on me. If we have taken her for the pneumoccocal vaccination she might not be infected with it. Or her symptoms might not be so bad. 

But things happen, so once she is better we will jab her with the vaccine. PROMISE. INSYAALLAH.

But now, another issue has arised. Im now suffer from high grade fever and very bad cough and runny nose. Now entering 4 days. Most likely cause? Infected from my daughter of course. 

Persistent spiking temperature (highest documented is 39.4'c), chills and rigor, light headedness, sore throat, greenish sputum. 

Honestly speaking, i realize my temporary illness is nothing compare to other people suffering. 

But deep inside me, im sadden by the fact that when my child is sick, she have both me n my husband to care for her. But when im sick, i still need to do my tagcall (coz im recently transferred to new hospital, so everything i need to start from zero again) or else the 1st impression of me here will not be so good. 

But who am i to deny my own body needs? I force myself but me myself suffer the consequences. Lying alone in the oncall room. Aircond, fan all switch off, 3 layers of blanket, regular panadol ingestion. Yet still shivering as if im in a freezer. Im feeling bad for my 1st call for my bad performance but sorry is definitely not enough to back up my flaws. The next day i still went to ward round but with the shivering and all i cant concentrate much. 

After finished round with specialist, i excuse myself and went to the staff clinic. So later on, here i am on MC leaves for 2 days, with a bundle of medications to finish and hopefully tomorrow i can get back to the normal me and work as usual. 

#mayAllahbless

Alhamdulillah. 

Reduce that toxic level. Please

This past 4 weeks, im attached to this one tertiary hospital where there are consultants, specialists, registrars, MOs and of course the one on spotlight nowadays 'THE HOUSE OFFICER/HOUSEMAN/HO'.

Its indeed a very short duration but i've been called the 'guarding angel' by the 1st posting HOs. Why?

1st: When they present the case to me during round, I correct the way they summarize the case, which point to present and not to present, their intonation, etc. Later when the specialists or consultant come for round, while presenting they will take a sneak peek and making eye contact with me to make sure they present the case correctly or not. LOL.

2nd: when they get scolded for their mistakes, i would later go to them and say why they have been scolded. Which area they are lacking and which area to improve. Not to demotivate them but to ensure they got that learning points to keep rather than thinking about that scolding moment. That upsetting felling of being scolded. Who likes to be scolded? No one.

3rd: i compliment them when i see their improvement. Such tinny improvement is enough. Such as prioritizing which tasks to do 1st. Taking blood or get consent for op. Where to look for old notes if the patient just recently discharge and will have TCA with the outpatient clinic that coming week. You know, that critical thinking. That correct judgement.

4th: Instead of scolding them afterward if the jobs not done, i explained to them 1st. if they take blood 1st, send to lab & later get the consent, wouldnt it be way effective as the blood result will be out earlier and when specialist come to review, all parameters already available. And futher plan can be made. Right?

5th: i give a little pieace of hope to those who might think of quitting. Those 1st posters that have been tagging for 20days++ straight. As crazy as it sound, who wouldnt be exhausted if they have been working since 5/6am till 10/11pm every single day without any day off? Plus all those nagging, scolding, screaming from their superior? And those mistakes and new experience they just gain. My God. Especially those young working mothers who just started their HOship. EBM and engorgement? whole night taking care of the baby and next day need to work the entire day? Both husband and wife just started HOship? Who wouldnt think of quitting? I would.

But since ive passed the stage and the memories is still vividly clear, i told them, if they think of quitting, do it when they have passed the tagging phase. Do it when the mind and body are in healthy state. Dont make any decision in emotionally, physically, mentally unstable state. Never. Why? Because that time it is the exhaustion that push you to make the decision, not your heart and mind. Most of them later on will regret it once they have been in stable state. Seriously.

But I do respect those that have made up their mind to quit HOship because it takes up a lot of courage to do so. To take risk and embark on new journey. Amazing.

6th: I personally asked them if they have eat/pray/EBM or not (accordingly). Give them some 'human' moment please. They are not robot.

And the list will go on..

Why would i even bother to guide them? To brag? To felt superior? To be praised? To get their attention? To bully them later? Nope. nope. nope.

 Because i've been in their shoes before, and i DONT WANT anyone to felt that way too. But its not possible. Thus at least the vicious cycle stop at me. My little contribution.

But who doesnt been in their shoes before? Which consultant/specialist/registrar/medical officer never been a HO before?

Anyway, i have this set of thinking, if you cant do good to people, dont do any harm please. Reduce that toxic level.

*Maybe later on there is something i can contribute to change this dissapointing culture. Who knows.

To those who suffer, may God bless you. To those who induce other people suffering, may God guide you.

Muhsina Hassan
Lil MO (in height)
0052H
28 sept 2018

Good doctor

"May God guide you in any path that you take. You are a good doctor."

That words sir. Enough to make my heart swell up with hope and joy.

God bless you sir.

HSJ carpark
9.59am
27 sept 2018
Post call. Last day.