2 months old MHjr2

 Bismillah 

Tak nak lupa yang dia pernah kecil. 2 bulan lebih, skg beratnya seberat 1 kampit beras. Tangisnya seperti anak kucing. Yang hanya berbunyi apabila lapar atau ditinggalkan keseorangan. 

Tak nak aku lupa, yang dia pernah 100% bergantung kepada orang lain. Hanya mampu menggerakkan tangan dan kaki sebagai tanda marah, sedih, protes, gembira dan teruja. 

2 bulan, sudah mula pandai membalas senyuman dan gelak hingga menampakkan gusinya, penglihatan hanya dulu hanya terhad kepada bayanh mula tertarik kepada cahaya. 

Entah apa yg bermain di fikirannya, nanti dia pun sudah lupa apabila semakin besar.

Alhamdulillah 

13 Apr 2021

1 Ramadhan 1442H

66 days old MHjr2

Campak belakang

Bismillah... 

2 tahun yang lalu. 2019. MHJr1 was 3.

-----------

Jangan ikut perangai saya.

Jangan pernah ragu2 dgn rasa hati.

Instinct tu Allah bagi untuk guide buat keputusan. 

Sejujurnya walaupun saya seorang pegawai perubatan, saya sendiri tak boleh merawat anak sendiri bila dia sakit. Sebab emosi dan perasaan.

Bermain dengan emosi dan perasaan bukan senang. Bergelut dgn emosi dan perasaan sendiri.

"Anak aku tak teruk mana ni, masih aktif dan masih mahu makan.

Tapi..

Mula dengan batuk berkahak, diikuti dengan nafas laju, batuk berterusan, nafas berbunyi, semua tanda2 asthma yang tidak terkawal. Untuk 2 minggu yang pertama masih boleh reda dgn mdi salbutamol 6-12jam. Tapi 4 hari yang terakhir disulami dengan demam panas dan simptom2 makin teruk sehingga 4jam sekali mdi salbutamol masih tak redakan simptom2 tersebut, bukan sesuatu yang biasa2. 

Tapi..

Masih bertangguh untuk bawa jumpa doktor untuk pemeriksaan. 2 hari demam panas masih rawat dirumah, ubat demam, mdi salbutamol sedia di sisi. Anak masih aktif dan nak minum dan makan walau bukan macam biasa. Kalau bawa jugak jumpa doktor, nanti takut orang kata terlebih risau, nanti orang kata takkan mak doktor anak boleh sakit, nanti orang kata itu, orang kata ini."

Bukan sekali dua nak bersiap ke hospital, tapi niat dibatalkan. Hmmmmm. 

Sehingga satu tahap, it hits me, "takkan nak tunggu anak lembik lemah tak bermaya baru nak bawa ke hospital? Tunggu keadaan teruk, tak cukup nafas, biru, tak bernyawa baru buat keputusan nak buat pemeriksaan?" nauzubillah. 

-----------

Dah masuk hari ketiga hawa dalam wad, dia tetap aktif, tetap lari sana sini, tapi sampai limit nanti dia berhenti sendiri dan mula batuk2. Dah improve banyak selepas mula antibiotics. 

Sampai masanya untuk terima kenyataan hawa memang ada bronchial asthma, kali ini precipitate by pneumonia (jangkitan paru2).

6 kali masuk wad. Semua sebab paru2. Sebelum ni nama diagnosis dia acute bronchiolitis, intermittent asthma, etc. Boleh dah kot terima kenyataan ini. Please.

#mayAllahbless

Dalam sekelip mata

Allah. Allah. Allah.

Saat aku hampir berputus asa.
Saat aku hampir menyerah kalah.
Sinar Kau menyuluh jalan.
Sinar Kau beri harapan.

Allah. Allah. Allah.
Dalam singkat masa yang tak terjangka.
Kaki melangkah tanpa aku rasa.
Menuju dan hanya ingin bertanya.
Sedang jawapan sedang menanti.
Tersedia untuk diketahui.

Allah. Allah. Allah. 

Aku benar insan yang lemah.
Insan yang selalu tersalah.
Insan yang selalu menyerah.

Kau tukar gelap jadi cerah,
Kau tukar hitam jadi putih,
Dalam sekelip mata.

Mana lagi yang mahu kau kira, wahai manusia?
Mana lagi mahu kau ungkit.
Apa lagi kau mahu, wahai manusia?
Syukurmu sedikit, ungkitmu sebukit.

Allah. Allah. Maafkan aku hambaMu yang hina.

11.59am
25th June 2019

Berita diterima bagai tak percaya
Tukar tempat kerja bukan gurauan semata

Ya Allah, andai benar ini jalan y Kau pilih untukku maka Kau kuatkanlah aku untuk menjalani hari2 yang mendatang, permudahkan segala urusanku dan jgn Kau biarkan aku jauh walau seinci dariMu. Moga dapatku tanamkan kesabaran yang tinggi dalam menjalani kehidupan ini. amin.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. 

Apa lagi kau mahu

Bismillah.

Demi masa, sesungguhnya manusia dalam kerugian, melainkan yang beriman dan yang beramal soleh, melainkan yang berpesan-pesan dgn kebenaran dan kesabaran.
Al-Asr: 1-3

Perasaan itu,
perasaan yang nyata. 

Bukan seketika. 

Perasaan itu,
Masa yang bernilai terhabis kepada sesuatu yang tak pasti,
Sesuatu yang kau tak pasti apa yang kau dapat
Apa yang kau mahu
Apa pengakhiran

Kurang bersyukurkah kau
Terlalu memilihkah kau

Perasaan itu,
Setiap hari setiap saat
Kau tak tahu apa yang kau buat
Kau tak tahu apa yang kau dpt

Manusia akan berkata,
Apa lagi kau mahu
Apa lagi yang kau nak

Kau ada kerjaya
Kau ada tempat berlindung
Kau ada kenderaan utk bergrk
Kau ada keluarga tercinta

Mungkin kau juga akan bertanya,
Apa lagi kau mahu wahai diri,
Kau ada apa seadanya

Kau punya kasih sayang
Kau punya keselamatan
Kau punya kesihatan
Kau punya iman
Kau punya akal

Apa lagi kau mahu?

Aku mahu ketenangan.
Belum aku jumpa.
Aku mahu kepastian.
Aku belum tahu.

Tapi kau bukan Tuhan,
Bukan kau punya rasa untuk kepastian,
Bukan kau punya rasa untuk ketentuan,
Itu kerja Tuhan.

Dan kau, Bukan Tuhan.

Bersyukurlah,
Berimanlah,
Kau masih punya Tuhan.

Kembali pada Dia,
kerna kerja kau hanya meminta,
Berharap dan berdoa,
Yang menentukan bukan kau,
Tapi Dia.

Allahuakhbar.

10.03am
25/6/2019
Manusia mencari makna

Infected

Bismillah..

My daughter was recently admitted to ward for 5 days for pneumonia. Positive pneumoccocal virus. 

Procrastinating. That blame should be put on me. If we have taken her for the pneumoccocal vaccination she might not be infected with it. Or her symptoms might not be so bad. 

But things happen, so once she is better we will jab her with the vaccine. PROMISE. INSYAALLAH.

But now, another issue has arised. Im now suffer from high grade fever and very bad cough and runny nose. Now entering 4 days. Most likely cause? Infected from my daughter of course. 

Persistent spiking temperature (highest documented is 39.4'c), chills and rigor, light headedness, sore throat, greenish sputum. 

Honestly speaking, i realize my temporary illness is nothing compare to other people suffering. 

But deep inside me, im sadden by the fact that when my child is sick, she have both me n my husband to care for her. But when im sick, i still need to do my tagcall (coz im recently transferred to new hospital, so everything i need to start from zero again) or else the 1st impression of me here will not be so good. 

But who am i to deny my own body needs? I force myself but me myself suffer the consequences. Lying alone in the oncall room. Aircond, fan all switch off, 3 layers of blanket, regular panadol ingestion. Yet still shivering as if im in a freezer. Im feeling bad for my 1st call for my bad performance but sorry is definitely not enough to back up my flaws. The next day i still went to ward round but with the shivering and all i cant concentrate much. 

After finished round with specialist, i excuse myself and went to the staff clinic. So later on, here i am on MC leaves for 2 days, with a bundle of medications to finish and hopefully tomorrow i can get back to the normal me and work as usual. 

#mayAllahbless

Alhamdulillah. 

Reduce that toxic level. Please

This past 4 weeks, im attached to this one tertiary hospital where there are consultants, specialists, registrars, MOs and of course the one on spotlight nowadays 'THE HOUSE OFFICER/HOUSEMAN/HO'.

Its indeed a very short duration but i've been called the 'guarding angel' by the 1st posting HOs. Why?

1st: When they present the case to me during round, I correct the way they summarize the case, which point to present and not to present, their intonation, etc. Later when the specialists or consultant come for round, while presenting they will take a sneak peek and making eye contact with me to make sure they present the case correctly or not. LOL.

2nd: when they get scolded for their mistakes, i would later go to them and say why they have been scolded. Which area they are lacking and which area to improve. Not to demotivate them but to ensure they got that learning points to keep rather than thinking about that scolding moment. That upsetting felling of being scolded. Who likes to be scolded? No one.

3rd: i compliment them when i see their improvement. Such tinny improvement is enough. Such as prioritizing which tasks to do 1st. Taking blood or get consent for op. Where to look for old notes if the patient just recently discharge and will have TCA with the outpatient clinic that coming week. You know, that critical thinking. That correct judgement.

4th: Instead of scolding them afterward if the jobs not done, i explained to them 1st. if they take blood 1st, send to lab & later get the consent, wouldnt it be way effective as the blood result will be out earlier and when specialist come to review, all parameters already available. And futher plan can be made. Right?

5th: i give a little pieace of hope to those who might think of quitting. Those 1st posters that have been tagging for 20days++ straight. As crazy as it sound, who wouldnt be exhausted if they have been working since 5/6am till 10/11pm every single day without any day off? Plus all those nagging, scolding, screaming from their superior? And those mistakes and new experience they just gain. My God. Especially those young working mothers who just started their HOship. EBM and engorgement? whole night taking care of the baby and next day need to work the entire day? Both husband and wife just started HOship? Who wouldnt think of quitting? I would.

But since ive passed the stage and the memories is still vividly clear, i told them, if they think of quitting, do it when they have passed the tagging phase. Do it when the mind and body are in healthy state. Dont make any decision in emotionally, physically, mentally unstable state. Never. Why? Because that time it is the exhaustion that push you to make the decision, not your heart and mind. Most of them later on will regret it once they have been in stable state. Seriously.

But I do respect those that have made up their mind to quit HOship because it takes up a lot of courage to do so. To take risk and embark on new journey. Amazing.

6th: I personally asked them if they have eat/pray/EBM or not (accordingly). Give them some 'human' moment please. They are not robot.

And the list will go on..

Why would i even bother to guide them? To brag? To felt superior? To be praised? To get their attention? To bully them later? Nope. nope. nope.

 Because i've been in their shoes before, and i DONT WANT anyone to felt that way too. But its not possible. Thus at least the vicious cycle stop at me. My little contribution.

But who doesnt been in their shoes before? Which consultant/specialist/registrar/medical officer never been a HO before?

Anyway, i have this set of thinking, if you cant do good to people, dont do any harm please. Reduce that toxic level.

*Maybe later on there is something i can contribute to change this dissapointing culture. Who knows.

To those who suffer, may God bless you. To those who induce other people suffering, may God guide you.

Muhsina Hassan
Lil MO (in height)
0052H
28 sept 2018

Good doctor

"May God guide you in any path that you take. You are a good doctor."

That words sir. Enough to make my heart swell up with hope and joy.

God bless you sir.

HSJ carpark
9.59am
27 sept 2018
Post call. Last day.

Moving forward

Bismillah..

Its already been 3 weeks++ since i started my attachment in this tertiary centre. The experience is valuable and priceless. Indeed i enjoy the time. The lessons and the different teaching of surgeons. Their thoughts and their ideas. Never enough to satisfy your hunger for knowledge, your thirst for new things.

But it also teach me the harsh reality of life.
U can work your as* off and nobody cares.
U can do slight mistake and boom, u are doomed.

People refer nonsense cases. U know its non of your jurisdiction but since you have been referred and its your responsibility (because your boss said so) so you still need to see the cases.
Regardless the outcome; it is your case or not, people dont give slightest concern. They have referred the team and the team reviewed. DONE. Any thought of it might benefits the patient? Yeah maybe. 0.01% it might benefit the patients. But who cares. Ive done my part and its no longer my responsibility.

Yup come across too many similar situations like this one. Irritates me. Annoys me. Upsets me. But yeah. Who cares. You dont want to accept, u wait for it. Im gonna screw you, smack u, punch u till u surrender. Still any benefits for patient? Yeah maybe plus another 0.01%.

Condemning other department? Yeah we do it often. Surgical condemning medical. Medical backlashes ortho. Paeds badmouthing O&G. ED hates anaest. And that viscious cycle continue. Till when? God knows. Such negative environment. For God sake. *facepalm.

Supposedly another 1 month to go but i got my transfer. Alhamdulillah.

New environment. Different jobscope.

Primary care, public health. 1st impression. Boring. Not challenging.

BUT..

attitude related illnesess, disease caused by lifestyle, high risk behaviour.

It all should be prevented from primary setting. Prevention is better than cure. Cure is better than prevent complication. Yup. After 4 years of clinical years, i bet its time to buckle up and prepare to face the battle in 1sthand. The primary defense.

On the added positive values....

No more mortality meeting, internal enquiries, finding faults, blaming games, etc.

I rest my case.

Paperwork vs human attitude? U judge.

#mayAllahbless #mayAllahguide

Decision making

Bismillah....

The steps feel heavy but the heart feel at ease.
Leaving behind things you have interest in never feels right, but the thought of spending time with people you love is the best reason ever.

Decision making.
Not to be made when the heart in pain, nor when the heart in too much joy.

Leaving, saying good bye. Never a joy.
Adapting, assimilating. A prove of easier saying than doing.

Found a great teacher. A guru. A master. An idol. The footsteps that show guidance. An urge to follow,but a tidal to swallow.
Running, chasing one dream is a thing. Reality and responsibility is another.
Not everyone has similar path to walk through.
Nor everyone developed similar passion and strength to continue.

I have made the decision. Yet to find out the outcome.

Happiness and suffering come simultaneously. Yet it teach a valuable lessons. to pursue or not to pursue.

Dreams are made to be turned into reality. Or its a sweet fantasy that pushes you to go through the harsh reality.

Reality check. Ask the heart what matter most and definitive answer is there. Juggling is not the cup of coffee. Nor sacrificing.

In the end. Decision making is not one to decide. Its the qada' & qadr of The God Almighty.

------------------------------------------------

Ive made one decision rushingly before and the result is catastrophic. Now ive given such long duration to think and choose. Alhamdulillah it might not be the best, yet im glad its done after much thorough thinking.

PS: good day Penang! almost 2 years and its hello Kedah. 😎

*Yet to discover bigger world and unknown future.

#alhamdulillah # #mayAllahease #mayAllahbless #mayAllahguide #mayAllah protect

Hurtful

Bismillah

Im confused, hurtful and frustrated with myself.

Why?

Because i couldnt make up my mind.

I couldnt decide which way i want to go.

I couldnt let go of that feeling.
That feeling of moving forward. Pursuing ther dream. Movig up the stair of ther career path.

To add the fuel to the fire, the feeling of jealousy of my colleagues that are on their way of pursuing that road.

That feeling.

Sad, disappointed with myself.

Im not strong enough, to decide, to stop hoping and to move on a different path.

May Allah bless.
Wallahualam.

Irritated

Bismillah..

Im not sure how did i developed this feelings but one thing for sure it keep on growing, growing & continue growing.

That feeling of irritated and annoyed with all this. The things that i used to enjoy doing but now the excitement fading by time.

I couldnt help it but i did acknowledging the feelings and let it grow day by day.

Why?

Because i couldnt see any hopes in it. I couldnt see my future there. The things i longing before doesnt seem appealing anymore.

Losing interest?

Yes.

Choose to do so?

Not really.

But i believe if it is meant to be then it will be. If it not our destiny then it will not be.

Its Him that hold our heart. Its Him who hold our emotions. Its Him that hold the Qada' & Qadr.

We the human, His slaves, mere powerless tiny little creature can only try our best and pray for the best.

Some time what we want doesnt suit us, some other time unexpected things happen but indeed that benefits us.

I do hope as long as im still here i will be doing some good thing to others and once im away from all this, i really hope i can strive in the things that both good for me as well as giving me that pleasure of doing it.

Till then, just keep on swimming Muhsina. May Allah bless.

Alhamdulillah.

Opportunity

Bismillah..

Last week i was given the opportunity to attent this one national conference that involved world renowned surgeons in their own specialities. One word to describe the experience. MINDBLOWN.

Sitting in that hall with those speakers was an amazing experience. Listening to their experiences, specialities, new discoveries, newly-developed techniques and all. Fuh. Subhanallah. All praise is to Allah. how great is Allah's creation. It is He who created the human being with all the complicated body structures; including the master control : the BRAIN.  how amazing that jelly-like structure that easily liquified once our body stop functioning. Ever see the brain of death man? Yeah think of beautiful newly made tofu then smash it! The structure after you smashed it. The smashed tofu. Yup just like that. How vulnerable the brain are in physically. But function-wise. Subhanallah. With extensive use, instead of worned out, it will become more critical and analytical as it can be. Superb.

Back to the main topic. Sitting with those giants make me feel like a small ant. With no experience, no credential, not known to anyone makes me feel so tiny and meaningless.

To be like them surely takes a lot of effort. Time, energy, money, youth, health and all. All of that makes me swimming through my thoughts. is it possible to be like them? To be one of them? To go through what they have gone through? To sacrifice anything or everything that possibly become a hurdle? Or the BIG question is.. am i WILLING to do so?

If anyone ask me, what is my main focus in life? The definite answer is my family. I want to be happy with my family in Dunya n Akhirah. To be able to sit with them, enjoy the moment, spending quality time and enjoy that feeling of satisfaction. But what is my goal in life? It makes me think again. Isnt it to please Allah and be blessed by Him? Then, what is the criteria to be one of those He love? Subhanallah. Too many criterias. And it doesnt fixed to 1,2,3. There are so many ways to please Him.

Then it makes me wonder again and again, how to live our life to please Him? Is it do things that we love but makes sure according to His greenlight? Or is it to do things that He asked us to do and be happy bout it?

A lot of things that cross my mind right now and i really dont think i can straighten it right now.

Slowly but keep on moving Muhsina. One best thing you can do is; just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Will be back for sure. IA.

Blessed

Bismillah...

I thought that i could never say this after what i have gone through.

I AM SO BLESSED..

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I wont and i really hope i didnt ever forget how Allah have blessed me all this while.

Life has been so much of ups and downs for the past years.

I know my path is nothing big, fancy, complicated, or devastated compared to others. But im driving on a road called life, and that road was named after mine. Life of Muhsina, me, Muhsina!. Not some Mina, Ching, Felton, Muthusamy, Ali or others (just stating some random-not related-common-none that i know names). And i wont be able to tell about others' life cause im not living their life.

As far as i can remember is when i had some common-typical teenagers quarrel with my bestfriends, finishing highscool and lost all my friends contact numbers cause i misplaced that so-called-precious biodata book back in 2007 (when nowadays everyone has facebook, whatsapp, etc and getting connected is not the main problem anymore -_-), then entering medschool when the reality is i have never even imagine being a doctor except that one tiny moment during my prayer (solah) i had that one distractive thought that crossed my mind 'what life might be if i become a doctor?' (Solat tak khusyuk, my God) After i had that persuasive-kind-of-like conversation with my dad about what should i persue after finishing SPM, then sailing through medical school like nobody bussiness;

actually to be honest i am really blessed to pass medschool because i always have that bad habits; been doing last minute work, skip classess, i didnt like study group and i hate when somebody discussing things that i didnt know (really bad examples shall i say, please adik2 dont follow this habit of mine, BAD habit), i really didnt put high hope in every exams; my moto was 'passing is a blessing' and Alhamdulillah when the result of final exam is out and my name was called DR Muhsina, i cried my heart out, because deep down inside i know i didnt deserve it.(Double blessed!!) T-T

Then despite the colourful (mostly black and grey but they still colours anyway) moment of housemanship phase, Allamdulillah i manage to complete housemanship without any extension + that 3 months confinement (wuhuu, that time feeling like a normal housewife waiting for husband to come home from work)

Then i enter that very dark, gloomy days of my life. 5 months of hellish experience that i would never ever want to go back. I dont even need to recall it back, because that scars, it never fades even after months i escaped from there.

But passing that moment of time really teach me never to mistrust Allah, never to loss hope in Allah's blessings, never to disbelief in yourself and your close ones. Their prayers, thats the most powerful support you can have. If i didnt sail throught that moment i wouldnt know how blessed i am.

How i gain back my self confident, how i raise back after i lost that battle, how i grow and bloom again after that heavy rainfall.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for that i call a blessing as well.. big blessing that shaped me again.

Even now and then, i trully believe that when we surrounded by good people, we will be good as well. I am blessed as i have really good people around me in this place. those staffs that i can jokes around with, share the bad and good days, helping each other, concern for each others meal; my God, they are really melting my heart with their acts. As simple as 'Hi doktor, sihat?', 'doktor nak pesan apa2 kami nak beli makanan ni', 'doktor kami simpankan air doktor dlm peti ais takut nnt tak sedap' uwaaa akak2 dan adik2 nurses, u guys are the best. So sweet of u guys.

All in all, i am now convince that NEVER EVER loss hope in Allah's blessing, as everything that happen is for a reason. Allah wants to make you stronger, Allah wants you to trust Him, Allah wants you to pray to Him, Allah wants you to put Him 1st. Why?

Simply because He doesnt give someone things that person cant handle. 2: 286. Within your capacity. Believe that.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. ILY Allah. T-T

Freedom

Bismillah...

What writing means to me is that freedom of expressing my feeling without thinking what the effect of it. Yes it sound as childish as it can be because im writing it in an open blog instead of in a private and personal diary.

What makes me continue writing anyway? Its because i think someone somewhere might get that something from my writing. That small tiny bit of encouragement or moral of the story sort of thing.

The freedom to pour out my thought and my feeling is just like chatting and expressing it to someone. But in the contrary, this other 'someone' is here. That as mute as it can be but as non-judgemental as it is.

What benefits i get from this? I can always look back to it and get the moral of the story from my own experience. Sort of like the pool of memories from Dumbledore's room (that Harry Potter accidently jump into it in the Goblet of fire movie). Anyway, it does makes me feel more relax and finally ventilating after that suffocating moments.

Next time im reading this i might not remember why i start writing this post but anyway, my 5cents advice (esp for myself) always take time to calm down and relax yourself. Never follow your anger/emotional instability just because you feel out of it. You might feel relief for a while after expressing your feelings to someone, be it expression of love, anger, dissatisfaction, disappointment, sympathy etc but once you are out of that moment you will realize it might actually causing bad outcome in the future. So take time to think about the pros and cons of what you about to blurt out then express your thought properly.

Wallahua'lam.

I might seems like a confident person but im fully aware that i am not good at choosing the right words at that crucial moment. So this is my 'take 5' moment.

May Allah ease everything. I might be doing some good to someone that i dont even know. May Allah bless the deceased and the others who suffer from this.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

Sg Petani Court
9.55am
28/11/17

*Subpoena looking much glorious than sepina isnt?

Out from hell

Bismillah...

The tittle might seems a bit exaggerated but that exactly how i feel when finally escaped from there (a place that should not be mentioned)..

5 months of suffering, with tears, depression and anxiety that never that high before. Even now when thinking of that phase makes me palpitation and restless.

O Allah, all praise to You. The Almighty, The Merciful, The All-Known. Each passing day i could never thank You enough for letting me out from there.

It crushes me down, it breaks me apart, it slowly kills me inside. No one knows except my husband and a good friend of mine. Until at one point of time i couldnt bear it anymore. I know i should seek help, i know i MUST get out from there. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant my du'a during the Holy Month of Ramadhan.

It sound unprofessional just by sending text telling me that im out from there. But i think it benefit us both. Me and her. When i think she knows that she play the major part of my hellish phase that i dont ever want to turn back. I couldnt even look her in the eye. I couldnt even hear her voice. I could never gain that courage to face her again.

I then gone into 2 weeks of hiatus before reporting to a new place. It was like entering heaven; that relief, that joy, that sense of belonging that finally yet slowly comes in. Alhamdulillah3x.

It tooks at least a total of 1 month for me to get back to old me. The happy, smilling me. Yes, with the help of shrink and meds. I am glad. I reach out for help and i find it. I didnt think its an embarresment to admit that i need help and i DID ask for help. Cause it WORKS. Alhamdulillah.

Now i can proudly say im enjoying this new place and will always improve myself day by day. Gaining new knowledge and experience. Maybe one day insyaAllah i got that courage to further study and who knows i can be a great muslimah surgeon. Wallahua'lam.. even a chronic MO doesnt sound bad when i think i achieve being at the 'top'; being a good doctor, a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter/inlaw and a good member of society and of course a good abd to Him.

Wallahualam.
What ever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal..

Of 2 years HOship and 2 years of marriage.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum..

Too many things happen within this 2 years of silence (in here only lah) that i would say.. "sekejapnya masa berlalu"

But not too much to say. Nothing walk too fast or too slow. Everything move at it own pace.

Its only depend on us. Either to enjoy the ride, sail through the moment. Or fall into the deepest hole. Crawling every single day. Just to finish the so called 'uncomfortable time period"

Such a waste isn't? Walking day by day just waiting for it to finish. But at that particular moment. Everything seems impossible. Just to make the end met. Just to put full stop at it.

When it finally end, only then i realised i should have made the moment count. Cherished every moment, memories. Because nothing will turn back the clock (yes not even wishing for it to turn back).

But enough to say, the experience make me grow older (aging surely), more mature and wiser.

**********

On the contrary.. 2 years of marriage life is definitely something extraordinary. Way beyond i can ever imagine.

Too much of loneliness before, never can compare to finding your other half. Completes you. Heal you. Understand you well. Who would thought i actually didnt know me that well until we found each other (till jannah insyaAllah 😊) seriously speaking. Habits and all, like a mirror. Like a clothing that wraps around you. Only now i truly understand the verse, "Pelindung bagi wanita, pakaian bagi mu" (will add the verse later, cant remember the verse atm) n I could not imagine these 2 years with him. 😙

But beyond the cheeziness, the message i wanted to convey is that: marriage is not all about the lovy dovy things, it has the ups and downs, good and bad moments. But like he always emphasize "always find a way to protect our marriage, till jannah insyaAllah".

Jaga diri, jaga peribadi. InsyaAllah He will find you the right person for you. Just. The. Right. One.

Maybe now. Maybe later. But He will. If not in Dunya, surely in Akhirah. Just believe Him. ☺😉

having MH jr. definitely take a new turn anyway. Being a new mom with not so much of experience (?) plus time constraint (work to blame maybe 😅?) definitely a new challenge that i never experience before. Mr MH play a MAJOR role in raising her. Imagine all the oncall back-to-back, postnight shift, and all. Sometimes i'll passed out right after back home. Its definitely take someone so patience and caring to handle her while her mommy gone into the lala land. May Allah bless him Jannah (amin!)

Even now im still tagging MO (entering 4th month 😧😥 of tagging period) back to back oncall never fails to amuse me (Bila la nak habis ni yaAllahu akhbar!) Sooo tired and sleepy everytime finished one after another oncalls. Fuh. But he still never fails to care for me and our child. May Allah bless you, abang. (Amin!)

Ya Allah permudahkanlah perjalanan hidup kami, tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang terbaik menujuMu. Moga kami redha akan setiap ketentuan yang Engkau telah tetapkan. Moga kami temui setiap inci hikmah dalam aturanMu ya Allah. Amin ya Rabbal Alamin..

Alhamdulillah.

Who would thought..

Assalamualaikum...

Who would thought..
I finished my HO-ship after 2 years! + (4months of confinement period)
Atm a living MO yet to pursue her dream. Stuck in between reality and responsibility.

Im a wife to Mr Mohd Hudzaifah Zamri. 😆 counting to 2nd anniversary.
Im a mother to Maryam Hawa 😎 1 year plus of sweat and bundle of joy..

Yet...
Im still uncertain which way will i go. Or should i go.
What will be waiting in the future.

Or..
Should i just be like sera

What ever will be. Will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera. Sera..

May Allah bless.

Alhamdulillah for every blessing..

theme: marriage.

Day 7 of Life. in NICU.

Alhamdulillah. Tamat tempoh tagging di posting ke-3 ku. Paediatrics posting, the 1st two months will be in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit/unit jagaan rapi bayi)

Too much tension, antara moments yang aku rasakan 'kalau quit HO lebih baik'. Tetapi saat perasaan paling negative aku muncul, hanya 'nothing last forever' yang dapat memujuk hati. Ya aku akui 'nothing last forever' itu sangat low dan seperti apa yang dilakukan sangat sia2 kerana aku tidak merasakan keikhlasan itu ada. Shame on me. Sama seperti, 'When the only option is to move on'. As a Muslim, I feel ashamed for having these thoughts.

Perasaan berkecamuk, terutama sewaktu mengambil darah bayi2 kecil mungil itu. Bayangkan, sekurang2nya dua, tiga kali sehari perlu mengambil darah mereka. Terutama kes2 neonatal jaundice. Utk mengetahui adakah rawatan lampu y diberikan dapat mengurangkan kadar bilirubin y menyebabkan kuning itu. It is sickening and heartbreaking to watch the babies cry and you know it is because of the needles. Seniors kata, 'utk kebaikan mereka juga', 'kalau level bilirubin masih tinggi, kan lagi banyak masalah', 'bukan saja2 kita nk cucuk mereka', 'ingat kita ni seronok tgk baby menangis disebabkan kita cucuk?' Dan banyak lagi.

Kes2 resuscitation, bila mana mendapat panggilan dari labour room (bilik bersalin) ada kes fetal distress (anak lemas dalam kandungan) dan emergency caesarean section akan dilakukan keatas ibu maka kami harus bersedia utk resuscitate bayi yang akan dilahirkan. No its not fun. Its sad and heartbreaking. Alhamdulillah sepanjang seminggu tagging aku masih belum berkesempatan membantu kes2 seperti bayi meninggal dalam kandungan, bayi meninggal sejurus setelah dilahirkan atau kes y sewaktu dgnnya. Ya, mungkin aku masih belum kuat utk berdepan dengan situasi sebegitu.

But sooner or later I know I will face it. Kerna itu aku harus bersedia. Mentally prepared.

Ya Rabb, permudahkanlah urusanku, ringankanlah bebananku, dan kuatkanlah aku dalam menempuh hari2 mendatang. Kerna hanya Engkaulah tempat bergantung harap.

Alhamdulillah...

tagging period for dummies

Bismillah..

Tagging: tag along seniors dan adaptation di department baru. Masa: 7am-10mlm. Tempoh: Seminggu-2minggu @ bergantung kepada prestasi anda.

Tugasan: bergantung kepada department. Hari pertama: ambil logbook utk posting tersebut di admin. Dan masa utk orientasi ward/ot/clinic/etc. Perkenalkan diri kepada sister ward dan briefing akan diberikan.
Hari kedua: di kebanyakan dept, anda akan mula diberikan 1st task. Eg; in charge pts/ tag di clinic/etc.
Hari ketiga dan seterusnya: tugasan akan makin bertambah dan terus bertambah.
Hari 'expected' last tagging: anda perlu approach any designated MO/ MO in charge HO to offtag you. Kalau MO tidak berpuas hati dgn prestasi anda sepanjang tagging--> Extend tagging.

Offtag: tamat tempoh tagging dan mula bertugas office hour/ shift system (according to each dept in each hospital)
*hospital Putrajaya tiada shift system. Hanya on call system.

Extend tagging: tempoh masa tagging dipanjangkan. Seminggu/2 minggu/ terpulang kepada mereka.

Sepanjang  tempoh tagging:
Tension akan mula beranak pinak. Kerana anda diharap utk berfungsi. Belajar tetap belajar. Tetapi lebih kpd how things work. Knowledge will come later. Tetapi siapa yang dapat adaptasi sepantas kilat bukan? Maka disaat dan ketika tagging lah selalunya peak moment anda akan dimarahi/dimaki/ditengking kerana kurang cekap. Ya, response kepada situasi ini 'takkan nk marah, baru je belajar kot'. Tetapi percayalah, jika anda lihat dari sudut positif, situasi ini akan menyebabkan anda tidak mahu lagi mengulangi kesilapan yang sama lalu akan berusaha utk perbaiki prestasi anda. ULANG SUARA, jika anda melihat situasi ini dari sudut positif. Dan berusaha memperbaiki diri dan prestasi kerja anda. Maka anda akan make an effort utk tidak mengulangi kesilapan yang sama.

Maka tamat tempoh tagging juga membawa maksud anda sudah bersedia untuk on call. Bersama MO of course.

Tempoh tagging adalah tempoh paling menyiksakan utk setiap posting. Kerna anda akan kepenatan yang amat, balik belum tentu pukul sepuluh (pukul 12mn/1am tidak mustahil) tetapi tetap harus datang sebelum 7pg keesokan harinya. Tiada life, ya itu mungkin betul. Kerna pergi kerja gelap, balik kerja gelap.
Tetapi percayalah, the least yang anda boleh harapkan adalah, ini hanya sementara, nothing last forever. Worst come to worse, anda akan tetap offtag soooooner or laaater. Dan pejam celik posting bakal berakhir. Extend posting atau tidak, posting setiap dept akan berakhir dan sesuatu y baru menanti anda.

**hanya berdasarkan pengalaman y taklah byk mana, seciput y bisa dikongsi. Kerna aku juga mengalami apa y kalian rasa. May Allah bless.