Infected

Bismillah..

My daughter was recently admitted to ward for 5 days for pneumonia. Positive pneumoccocal virus. 

Procrastinating. That blame should be put on me. If we have taken her for the pneumoccocal vaccination she might not be infected with it. Or her symptoms might not be so bad. 

But things happen, so once she is better we will jab her with the vaccine. PROMISE. INSYAALLAH.

But now, another issue has arised. Im now suffer from high grade fever and very bad cough and runny nose. Now entering 4 days. Most likely cause? Infected from my daughter of course. 

Persistent spiking temperature (highest documented is 39.4'c), chills and rigor, light headedness, sore throat, greenish sputum. 

Honestly speaking, i realize my temporary illness is nothing compare to other people suffering. 

But deep inside me, im sadden by the fact that when my child is sick, she have both me n my husband to care for her. But when im sick, i still need to do my tagcall (coz im recently transferred to new hospital, so everything i need to start from zero again) or else the 1st impression of me here will not be so good. 

But who am i to deny my own body needs? I force myself but me myself suffer the consequences. Lying alone in the oncall room. Aircond, fan all switch off, 3 layers of blanket, regular panadol ingestion. Yet still shivering as if im in a freezer. Im feeling bad for my 1st call for my bad performance but sorry is definitely not enough to back up my flaws. The next day i still went to ward round but with the shivering and all i cant concentrate much. 

After finished round with specialist, i excuse myself and went to the staff clinic. So later on, here i am on MC leaves for 2 days, with a bundle of medications to finish and hopefully tomorrow i can get back to the normal me and work as usual. 

#mayAllahbless

Alhamdulillah. 

Reduce that toxic level. Please

This past 4 weeks, im attached to this one tertiary hospital where there are consultants, specialists, registrars, MOs and of course the one on spotlight nowadays 'THE HOUSE OFFICER/HOUSEMAN/HO'.

Its indeed a very short duration but i've been called the 'guarding angel' by the 1st posting HOs. Why?

1st: When they present the case to me during round, I correct the way they summarize the case, which point to present and not to present, their intonation, etc. Later when the specialists or consultant come for round, while presenting they will take a sneak peek and making eye contact with me to make sure they present the case correctly or not. LOL.

2nd: when they get scolded for their mistakes, i would later go to them and say why they have been scolded. Which area they are lacking and which area to improve. Not to demotivate them but to ensure they got that learning points to keep rather than thinking about that scolding moment. That upsetting felling of being scolded. Who likes to be scolded? No one.

3rd: i compliment them when i see their improvement. Such tinny improvement is enough. Such as prioritizing which tasks to do 1st. Taking blood or get consent for op. Where to look for old notes if the patient just recently discharge and will have TCA with the outpatient clinic that coming week. You know, that critical thinking. That correct judgement.

4th: Instead of scolding them afterward if the jobs not done, i explained to them 1st. if they take blood 1st, send to lab & later get the consent, wouldnt it be way effective as the blood result will be out earlier and when specialist come to review, all parameters already available. And futher plan can be made. Right?

5th: i give a little pieace of hope to those who might think of quitting. Those 1st posters that have been tagging for 20days++ straight. As crazy as it sound, who wouldnt be exhausted if they have been working since 5/6am till 10/11pm every single day without any day off? Plus all those nagging, scolding, screaming from their superior? And those mistakes and new experience they just gain. My God. Especially those young working mothers who just started their HOship. EBM and engorgement? whole night taking care of the baby and next day need to work the entire day? Both husband and wife just started HOship? Who wouldnt think of quitting? I would.

But since ive passed the stage and the memories is still vividly clear, i told them, if they think of quitting, do it when they have passed the tagging phase. Do it when the mind and body are in healthy state. Dont make any decision in emotionally, physically, mentally unstable state. Never. Why? Because that time it is the exhaustion that push you to make the decision, not your heart and mind. Most of them later on will regret it once they have been in stable state. Seriously.

But I do respect those that have made up their mind to quit HOship because it takes up a lot of courage to do so. To take risk and embark on new journey. Amazing.

6th: I personally asked them if they have eat/pray/EBM or not (accordingly). Give them some 'human' moment please. They are not robot.

And the list will go on..

Why would i even bother to guide them? To brag? To felt superior? To be praised? To get their attention? To bully them later? Nope. nope. nope.

 Because i've been in their shoes before, and i DONT WANT anyone to felt that way too. But its not possible. Thus at least the vicious cycle stop at me. My little contribution.

But who doesnt been in their shoes before? Which consultant/specialist/registrar/medical officer never been a HO before?

Anyway, i have this set of thinking, if you cant do good to people, dont do any harm please. Reduce that toxic level.

*Maybe later on there is something i can contribute to change this dissapointing culture. Who knows.

To those who suffer, may God bless you. To those who induce other people suffering, may God guide you.

Muhsina Hassan
Lil MO (in height)
0052H
28 sept 2018

Good doctor

"May God guide you in any path that you take. You are a good doctor."

That words sir. Enough to make my heart swell up with hope and joy.

God bless you sir.

HSJ carpark
9.59am
27 sept 2018
Post call. Last day.

Moving forward

Bismillah..

Its already been 3 weeks++ since i started my attachment in this tertiary centre. The experience is valuable and priceless. Indeed i enjoy the time. The lessons and the different teaching of surgeons. Their thoughts and their ideas. Never enough to satisfy your hunger for knowledge, your thirst for new things.

But it also teach me the harsh reality of life.
U can work your as* off and nobody cares.
U can do slight mistake and boom, u are doomed.

People refer nonsense cases. U know its non of your jurisdiction but since you have been referred and its your responsibility (because your boss said so) so you still need to see the cases.
Regardless the outcome; it is your case or not, people dont give slightest concern. They have referred the team and the team reviewed. DONE. Any thought of it might benefits the patient? Yeah maybe. 0.01% it might benefit the patients. But who cares. Ive done my part and its no longer my responsibility.

Yup come across too many similar situations like this one. Irritates me. Annoys me. Upsets me. But yeah. Who cares. You dont want to accept, u wait for it. Im gonna screw you, smack u, punch u till u surrender. Still any benefits for patient? Yeah maybe plus another 0.01%.

Condemning other department? Yeah we do it often. Surgical condemning medical. Medical backlashes ortho. Paeds badmouthing O&G. ED hates anaest. And that viscious cycle continue. Till when? God knows. Such negative environment. For God sake. *facepalm.

Supposedly another 1 month to go but i got my transfer. Alhamdulillah.

New environment. Different jobscope.

Primary care, public health. 1st impression. Boring. Not challenging.

BUT..

attitude related illnesess, disease caused by lifestyle, high risk behaviour.

It all should be prevented from primary setting. Prevention is better than cure. Cure is better than prevent complication. Yup. After 4 years of clinical years, i bet its time to buckle up and prepare to face the battle in 1sthand. The primary defense.

On the added positive values....

No more mortality meeting, internal enquiries, finding faults, blaming games, etc.

I rest my case.

Paperwork vs human attitude? U judge.

#mayAllahbless #mayAllahguide

Decision making

Bismillah....

The steps feel heavy but the heart feel at ease.
Leaving behind things you have interest in never feels right, but the thought of spending time with people you love is the best reason ever.

Decision making.
Not to be made when the heart in pain, nor when the heart in too much joy.

Leaving, saying good bye. Never a joy.
Adapting, assimilating. A prove of easier saying than doing.

Found a great teacher. A guru. A master. An idol. The footsteps that show guidance. An urge to follow,but a tidal to swallow.
Running, chasing one dream is a thing. Reality and responsibility is another.
Not everyone has similar path to walk through.
Nor everyone developed similar passion and strength to continue.

I have made the decision. Yet to find out the outcome.

Happiness and suffering come simultaneously. Yet it teach a valuable lessons. to pursue or not to pursue.

Dreams are made to be turned into reality. Or its a sweet fantasy that pushes you to go through the harsh reality.

Reality check. Ask the heart what matter most and definitive answer is there. Juggling is not the cup of coffee. Nor sacrificing.

In the end. Decision making is not one to decide. Its the qada' & qadr of The God Almighty.

------------------------------------------------

Ive made one decision rushingly before and the result is catastrophic. Now ive given such long duration to think and choose. Alhamdulillah it might not be the best, yet im glad its done after much thorough thinking.

PS: good day Penang! almost 2 years and its hello Kedah. 😎

*Yet to discover bigger world and unknown future.

#alhamdulillah # #mayAllahease #mayAllahbless #mayAllahguide #mayAllah protect

Hurtful

Bismillah

Im confused, hurtful and frustrated with myself.

Why?

Because i couldnt make up my mind.

I couldnt decide which way i want to go.

I couldnt let go of that feeling.
That feeling of moving forward. Pursuing ther dream. Movig up the stair of ther career path.

To add the fuel to the fire, the feeling of jealousy of my colleagues that are on their way of pursuing that road.

That feeling.

Sad, disappointed with myself.

Im not strong enough, to decide, to stop hoping and to move on a different path.

May Allah bless.
Wallahualam.

Irritated

Bismillah..

Im not sure how did i developed this feelings but one thing for sure it keep on growing, growing & continue growing.

That feeling of irritated and annoyed with all this. The things that i used to enjoy doing but now the excitement fading by time.

I couldnt help it but i did acknowledging the feelings and let it grow day by day.

Why?

Because i couldnt see any hopes in it. I couldnt see my future there. The things i longing before doesnt seem appealing anymore.

Losing interest?

Yes.

Choose to do so?

Not really.

But i believe if it is meant to be then it will be. If it not our destiny then it will not be.

Its Him that hold our heart. Its Him who hold our emotions. Its Him that hold the Qada' & Qadr.

We the human, His slaves, mere powerless tiny little creature can only try our best and pray for the best.

Some time what we want doesnt suit us, some other time unexpected things happen but indeed that benefits us.

I do hope as long as im still here i will be doing some good thing to others and once im away from all this, i really hope i can strive in the things that both good for me as well as giving me that pleasure of doing it.

Till then, just keep on swimming Muhsina. May Allah bless.

Alhamdulillah.

Opportunity

Bismillah..

Last week i was given the opportunity to attent this one national conference that involved world renowned surgeons in their own specialities. One word to describe the experience. MINDBLOWN.

Sitting in that hall with those speakers was an amazing experience. Listening to their experiences, specialities, new discoveries, newly-developed techniques and all. Fuh. Subhanallah. All praise is to Allah. how great is Allah's creation. It is He who created the human being with all the complicated body structures; including the master control : the BRAIN.  how amazing that jelly-like structure that easily liquified once our body stop functioning. Ever see the brain of death man? Yeah think of beautiful newly made tofu then smash it! The structure after you smashed it. The smashed tofu. Yup just like that. How vulnerable the brain are in physically. But function-wise. Subhanallah. With extensive use, instead of worned out, it will become more critical and analytical as it can be. Superb.

Back to the main topic. Sitting with those giants make me feel like a small ant. With no experience, no credential, not known to anyone makes me feel so tiny and meaningless.

To be like them surely takes a lot of effort. Time, energy, money, youth, health and all. All of that makes me swimming through my thoughts. is it possible to be like them? To be one of them? To go through what they have gone through? To sacrifice anything or everything that possibly become a hurdle? Or the BIG question is.. am i WILLING to do so?

If anyone ask me, what is my main focus in life? The definite answer is my family. I want to be happy with my family in Dunya n Akhirah. To be able to sit with them, enjoy the moment, spending quality time and enjoy that feeling of satisfaction. But what is my goal in life? It makes me think again. Isnt it to please Allah and be blessed by Him? Then, what is the criteria to be one of those He love? Subhanallah. Too many criterias. And it doesnt fixed to 1,2,3. There are so many ways to please Him.

Then it makes me wonder again and again, how to live our life to please Him? Is it do things that we love but makes sure according to His greenlight? Or is it to do things that He asked us to do and be happy bout it?

A lot of things that cross my mind right now and i really dont think i can straighten it right now.

Slowly but keep on moving Muhsina. One best thing you can do is; just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Will be back for sure. IA.