Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Out from hell

Bismillah...

The tittle might seems a bit exaggerated but that exactly how i feel when finally escaped from there (a place that should not be mentioned)..

5 months of suffering, with tears, depression and anxiety that never that high before. Even now when thinking of that phase makes me palpitation and restless.

O Allah, all praise to You. The Almighty, The Merciful, The All-Known. Each passing day i could never thank You enough for letting me out from there.

It crushes me down, it breaks me apart, it slowly kills me inside. No one knows except my husband and a good friend of mine. Until at one point of time i couldnt bear it anymore. I know i should seek help, i know i MUST get out from there. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant my du'a during the Holy Month of Ramadhan.

It sound unprofessional just by sending text telling me that im out from there. But i think it benefit us both. Me and her. When i think she knows that she play the major part of my hellish phase that i dont ever want to turn back. I couldnt even look her in the eye. I couldnt even hear her voice. I could never gain that courage to face her again.

I then gone into 2 weeks of hiatus before reporting to a new place. It was like entering heaven; that relief, that joy, that sense of belonging that finally yet slowly comes in. Alhamdulillah3x.

It tooks at least a total of 1 month for me to get back to old me. The happy, smilling me. Yes, with the help of shrink and meds. I am glad. I reach out for help and i find it. I didnt think its an embarresment to admit that i need help and i DID ask for help. Cause it WORKS. Alhamdulillah.

Now i can proudly say im enjoying this new place and will always improve myself day by day. Gaining new knowledge and experience. Maybe one day insyaAllah i got that courage to further study and who knows i can be a great muslimah surgeon. Wallahua'lam.. even a chronic MO doesnt sound bad when i think i achieve being at the 'top'; being a good doctor, a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter/inlaw and a good member of society and of course a good abd to Him.

Wallahualam.
What ever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal..

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Of 2 years HOship and 2 years of marriage.

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum..

Too many things happen within this 2 years of silence (in here only lah) that i would say.. "sekejapnya masa berlalu"

But not too much to say. Nothing walk too fast or too slow. Everything move at it own pace.

Its only depend on us. Either to enjoy the ride, sail through the moment. Or fall into the deepest hole. Crawling every single day. Just to finish the so called 'uncomfortable time period"

Such a waste isn't? Walking day by day just waiting for it to finish. But at that particular moment. Everything seems impossible. Just to make the end met. Just to put full stop at it.

When it finally end, only then i realised i should have made the moment count. Cherished every moment, memories. Because nothing will turn back the clock (yes not even wishing for it to turn back).

But enough to say, the experience make me grow older (aging surely), more mature and wiser.

**********

On the contrary.. 2 years of marriage life is definitely something extraordinary. Way beyond i can ever imagine.

Too much of loneliness before, never can compare to finding your other half. Completes you. Heal you. Understand you well. Who would thought i actually didnt know me that well until we found each other (till jannah insyaAllah 😊) seriously speaking. Habits and all, like a mirror. Like a clothing that wraps around you. Only now i truly understand the verse, "Pelindung bagi wanita, pakaian bagi mu" (will add the verse later, cant remember the verse atm) n I could not imagine these 2 years with him. 😙

But beyond the cheeziness, the message i wanted to convey is that: marriage is not all about the lovy dovy things, it has the ups and downs, good and bad moments. But like he always emphasize "always find a way to protect our marriage, till jannah insyaAllah".

Jaga diri, jaga peribadi. InsyaAllah He will find you the right person for you. Just. The. Right. One.

Maybe now. Maybe later. But He will. If not in Dunya, surely in Akhirah. Just believe Him. ☺😉

having MH jr. definitely take a new turn anyway. Being a new mom with not so much of experience (?) plus time constraint (work to blame maybe 😅?) definitely a new challenge that i never experience before. Mr MH play a MAJOR role in raising her. Imagine all the oncall back-to-back, postnight shift, and all. Sometimes i'll passed out right after back home. Its definitely take someone so patience and caring to handle her while her mommy gone into the lala land. May Allah bless him Jannah (amin!)

Even now im still tagging MO (entering 4th month 😧😥 of tagging period) back to back oncall never fails to amuse me (Bila la nak habis ni yaAllahu akhbar!) Sooo tired and sleepy everytime finished one after another oncalls. Fuh. But he still never fails to care for me and our child. May Allah bless you, abang. (Amin!)

Ya Allah permudahkanlah perjalanan hidup kami, tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang terbaik menujuMu. Moga kami redha akan setiap ketentuan yang Engkau telah tetapkan. Moga kami temui setiap inci hikmah dalam aturanMu ya Allah. Amin ya Rabbal Alamin..

Alhamdulillah.

Who would thought..

Assalamualaikum...

Who would thought..
I finished my HO-ship after 2 years! + (4months of confinement period)
Atm a living MO yet to pursue her dream. Stuck in between reality and responsibility.

Im a wife to Mr Mohd Hudzaifah Zamri. 😆 counting to 2nd anniversary.
Im a mother to Maryam Hawa 😎 1 year plus of sweat and bundle of joy..

Yet...
Im still uncertain which way will i go. Or should i go.
What will be waiting in the future.

Or..
Should i just be like sera

What ever will be. Will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera. Sera..

May Allah bless.

Alhamdulillah for every blessing..

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

theme: marriage.














Friday, May 8, 2015

Day 7 of Life. in NICU.

Alhamdulillah. Tamat tempoh tagging di posting ke-3 ku. Paediatrics posting, the 1st two months will be in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit/unit jagaan rapi bayi)

Too much tension, antara moments yang aku rasakan 'kalau quit HO lebih baik'. Tetapi saat perasaan paling negative aku muncul, hanya 'nothing last forever' yang dapat memujuk hati. Ya aku akui 'nothing last forever' itu sangat low dan seperti apa yang dilakukan sangat sia2 kerana aku tidak merasakan keikhlasan itu ada. Shame on me. Sama seperti, 'When the only option is to move on'. As a Muslim, I feel ashamed for having these thoughts.

Perasaan berkecamuk, terutama sewaktu mengambil darah bayi2 kecil mungil itu. Bayangkan, sekurang2nya dua, tiga kali sehari perlu mengambil darah mereka. Terutama kes2 neonatal jaundice. Utk mengetahui adakah rawatan lampu y diberikan dapat mengurangkan kadar bilirubin y menyebabkan kuning itu. It is sickening and heartbreaking to watch the babies cry and you know it is because of the needles. Seniors kata, 'utk kebaikan mereka juga', 'kalau level bilirubin masih tinggi, kan lagi banyak masalah', 'bukan saja2 kita nk cucuk mereka', 'ingat kita ni seronok tgk baby menangis disebabkan kita cucuk?' Dan banyak lagi.

Kes2 resuscitation, bila mana mendapat panggilan dari labour room (bilik bersalin) ada kes fetal distress (anak lemas dalam kandungan) dan emergency caesarean section akan dilakukan keatas ibu maka kami harus bersedia utk resuscitate bayi yang akan dilahirkan. No its not fun. Its sad and heartbreaking. Alhamdulillah sepanjang seminggu tagging aku masih belum berkesempatan membantu kes2 seperti bayi meninggal dalam kandungan, bayi meninggal sejurus setelah dilahirkan atau kes y sewaktu dgnnya. Ya, mungkin aku masih belum kuat utk berdepan dengan situasi sebegitu.

But sooner or later I know I will face it. Kerna itu aku harus bersedia. Mentally prepared.

Ya Rabb, permudahkanlah urusanku, ringankanlah bebananku, dan kuatkanlah aku dalam menempuh hari2 mendatang. Kerna hanya Engkaulah tempat bergantung harap.

Alhamdulillah...

ALLAH know!

"dan Dialah y menidurkan kamu pada mlm hari dan Dia mengetahui apa y kamu kerjakan pada siang hari. kemudian Dia membangunkan kamu pada siang hari utk disempurnakan umurmu y telah ditetapkan. kemudian kepadaNya tempat kamu kembali, lalu Dia memberitahukan kepadamu apa y tlh kamu kerjakan." Al-An'am 6: 60

motivating one-self!~

"la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha"
Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya" al-Baqarah 2: 286

~~kadang kala Allah sembunyikan matahari, Dia datangkan petir dan kilat.. kita tertanya-tanya, kemana hilangnya mentari?? rupa-rupanya Allah gantikannya dengan sang pelangi yang indah... ^_^