Monday, July 9, 2018
Im confused, hurtful and frustrated with myself.
Because i couldnt make up my mind.
I couldnt decide which way i want to go.
I couldnt let go of that feeling.
That feeling of moving forward. Pursuing ther dream. Movig up the stair of ther career path.
To add the fuel to the fire, the feeling of jealousy of my colleagues that are on their way of pursuing that road.
Sad, disappointed with myself.
Im not strong enough, to decide, to stop hoping and to move on a different path.
May Allah bless.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Im not sure how did i developed this feelings but one thing for sure it keep on growing, growing & continue growing.
That feeling of irritated and annoyed with all this. The things that i used to enjoy doing but now the excitement fading by time.
I couldnt help it but i did acknowledging the feelings and let it grow day by day.
Because i couldnt see any hopes in it. I couldnt see my future there. The things i longing before doesnt seem appealing anymore.
Choose to do so?
But i believe if it is meant to be then it will be. If it not our destiny then it will not be.
Its Him that hold our heart. Its Him who hold our emotions. Its Him that hold the Qada' & Qadr.
We the human, His slaves, mere powerless tiny little creature can only try our best and pray for the best.
Some time what we want doesnt suit us, some other time unexpected things happen but indeed that benefits us.
I do hope as long as im still here i will be doing some good thing to others and once im away from all this, i really hope i can strive in the things that both good for me as well as giving me that pleasure of doing it.
Till then, just keep on swimming Muhsina. May Allah bless.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Last week i was given the opportunity to attent this one national conference that involved world renowned surgeons in their own specialities. One word to describe the experience. MINDBLOWN.
Sitting in that hall with those speakers was an amazing experience. Listening to their experiences, specialities, new discoveries, newly-developed techniques and all. Fuh. Subhanallah. All praise is to Allah. how great is Allah's creation. It is He who created the human being with all the complicated body structures; including the master control : the BRAIN. how amazing that jelly-like structure that easily liquified once our body stop functioning. Ever see the brain of death man? Yeah think of beautiful newly made tofu then smash it! The structure after you smashed it. The smashed tofu. Yup just like that. How vulnerable the brain are in physically. But function-wise. Subhanallah. With extensive use, instead of worned out, it will become more critical and analytical as it can be. Superb.
Back to the main topic. Sitting with those giants make me feel like a small ant. With no experience, no credential, not known to anyone makes me feel so tiny and meaningless.
To be like them surely takes a lot of effort. Time, energy, money, youth, health and all. All of that makes me swimming through my thoughts. is it possible to be like them? To be one of them? To go through what they have gone through? To sacrifice anything or everything that possibly become a hurdle? Or the BIG question is.. am i WILLING to do so?
If anyone ask me, what is my main focus in life? The definite answer is my family. I want to be happy with my family in Dunya n Akhirah. To be able to sit with them, enjoy the moment, spending quality time and enjoy that feeling of satisfaction. But what is my goal in life? It makes me think again. Isnt it to please Allah and be blessed by Him? Then, what is the criteria to be one of those He love? Subhanallah. Too many criterias. And it doesnt fixed to 1,2,3. There are so many ways to please Him.
Then it makes me wonder again and again, how to live our life to please Him? Is it do things that we love but makes sure according to His greenlight? Or is it to do things that He asked us to do and be happy bout it?
A lot of things that cross my mind right now and i really dont think i can straighten it right now.
Slowly but keep on moving Muhsina. One best thing you can do is; just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.
Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Will be back for sure. IA.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
I thought that i could never say this after what i have gone through.
I AM SO BLESSED..
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
I wont and i really hope i didnt ever forget how Allah have blessed me all this while.
Life has been so much of ups and downs for the past years.
I know my path is nothing big, fancy, complicated, or devastated compared to others. But im driving on a road called life, and that road was named after mine. Life of Muhsina, me, Muhsina!. Not some Mina, Ching, Felton, Muthusamy, Ali or others (just stating some random-not related-common-none that i know names). And i wont be able to tell about others' life cause im not living their life.
As far as i can remember is when i had some common-typical teenagers quarrel with my bestfriends, finishing highscool and lost all my friends contact numbers cause i misplaced that so-called-precious biodata book back in 2007 (when nowadays everyone has facebook, whatsapp, etc and getting connected is not the main problem anymore -_-), then entering medschool when the reality is i have never even imagine being a doctor except that one tiny moment during my prayer (solah) i had that one distractive thought that crossed my mind 'what life might be if i become a doctor?' (Solat tak khusyuk, my God) After i had that persuasive-kind-of-like conversation with my dad about what should i persue after finishing SPM, then sailing through medical school like nobody bussiness;
actually to be honest i am really blessed to pass medschool because i always have that bad habits; been doing last minute work, skip classess, i didnt like study group and i hate when somebody discussing things that i didnt know (really bad examples shall i say, please adik2 dont follow this habit of mine, BAD habit), i really didnt put high hope in every exams; my moto was 'passing is a blessing' and Alhamdulillah when the result of final exam is out and my name was called DR Muhsina, i cried my heart out, because deep down inside i know i didnt deserve it.(Double blessed!!) T-T
Then despite the colourful (mostly black and grey but they still colours anyway) moment of housemanship phase, Allamdulillah i manage to complete housemanship without any extension + that 3 months confinement (wuhuu, that time feeling like a normal housewife waiting for husband to come home from work)
Then i enter that very dark, gloomy days of my life. 5 months of hellish experience that i would never ever want to go back. I dont even need to recall it back, because that scars, it never fades even after months i escaped from there.
But passing that moment of time really teach me never to mistrust Allah, never to loss hope in Allah's blessings, never to disbelief in yourself and your close ones. Their prayers, thats the most powerful support you can have. If i didnt sail throught that moment i wouldnt know how blessed i am.
How i gain back my self confident, how i raise back after i lost that battle, how i grow and bloom again after that heavy rainfall.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for that i call a blessing as well.. big blessing that shaped me again.
Even now and then, i trully believe that when we surrounded by good people, we will be good as well. I am blessed as i have really good people around me in this place. those staffs that i can jokes around with, share the bad and good days, helping each other, concern for each others meal; my God, they are really melting my heart with their acts. As simple as 'Hi doktor, sihat?', 'doktor nak pesan apa2 kami nak beli makanan ni', 'doktor kami simpankan air doktor dlm peti ais takut nnt tak sedap' uwaaa akak2 dan adik2 nurses, u guys are the best. So sweet of u guys.
All in all, i am now convince that NEVER EVER loss hope in Allah's blessing, as everything that happen is for a reason. Allah wants to make you stronger, Allah wants you to trust Him, Allah wants you to pray to Him, Allah wants you to put Him 1st. Why?
Simply because He doesnt give someone things that person cant handle. 2: 286. Within your capacity. Believe that.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. ILY Allah. T-T
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
What writing means to me is that freedom of expressing my feeling without thinking what the effect of it. Yes it sound as childish as it can be because im writing it in an open blog instead of in a private and personal diary.
What makes me continue writing anyway? Its because i think someone somewhere might get that something from my writing. That small tiny bit of encouragement or moral of the story sort of thing.
The freedom to pour out my thought and my feeling is just like chatting and expressing it to someone. But in the contrary, this other 'someone' is here. That as mute as it can be but as non-judgemental as it is.
What benefits i get from this? I can always look back to it and get the moral of the story from my own experience. Sort of like the pool of memories from Dumbledore's room (that Harry Potter accidently jump into it in the Goblet of fire movie). Anyway, it does makes me feel more relax and finally ventilating after that suffocating moments.
Next time im reading this i might not remember why i start writing this post but anyway, my 5cents advice (esp for myself) always take time to calm down and relax yourself. Never follow your anger/emotional instability just because you feel out of it. You might feel relief for a while after expressing your feelings to someone, be it expression of love, anger, dissatisfaction, disappointment, sympathy etc but once you are out of that moment you will realize it might actually causing bad outcome in the future. So take time to think about the pros and cons of what you about to blurt out then express your thought properly.
I might seems like a confident person but im fully aware that i am not good at choosing the right words at that crucial moment. So this is my 'take 5' moment.
May Allah ease everything. I might be doing some good to someone that i dont even know. May Allah bless the deceased and the others who suffer from this.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.
Sg Petani Court
*Subpoena looking much glorious than sepina isnt?
"dan Dialah y menidurkan kamu pada mlm hari dan Dia mengetahui apa y kamu kerjakan pada siang hari. kemudian Dia membangunkan kamu pada siang hari utk disempurnakan umurmu y telah ditetapkan. kemudian kepadaNya tempat kamu kembali, lalu Dia memberitahukan kepadamu apa y tlh kamu kerjakan." Al-An'am 6: 60