Saturday, January 20, 2018
Last week i was given the opportunity to attent this one national conference that involved world renowned surgeons in their own specialities. One word to describe the experience. MINDBLOWN.
Sitting in that hall with those speakers was an amazing experience. Listening to their experiences, specialities, new discoveries, newly-developed techniques and all. Fuh. Subhanallah. All praise is to Allah. how great is Allah's creation. It is He who created the human being with all the complicated body structures; including the master control : the BRAIN. how amazing that jelly-like structure that easily liquified once our body stop functioning. Ever see the brain of death man? Yeah think of beautiful newly made tofu then smash it! The structure after you smashed it. The smashed tofu. Yup just like that. How vulnerable the brain are in physically. But function-wise. Subhanallah. With extensive use, instead of worned out, it will become more critical and analytical as it can be. Superb.
Back to the main topic. Sitting with those giants make me feel like a small ant. With no experience, no credential, not known to anyone makes me feel so tiny and meaningless.
To be like them surely takes a lot of effort. Time, energy, money, youth, health and all. All of that makes me swimming through my thoughts. is it possible to be like them? To be one of them? To go through what they have gone through? To sacrifice anything or everything that possibly become a hurdle? Or the BIG question is.. am i WILLING to do so?
If anyone ask me, what is my main focus in life? The definite answer is my family. I want to be happy with my family in Dunya n Akhirah. To be able to sit with them, enjoy the moment, spending quality time and enjoy that feeling of satisfaction. But what is my goal in life? It makes me think again. Isnt it to please Allah and be blessed by Him? Then, what is the criteria to be one of those He love? Subhanallah. Too many criterias. And it doesnt fixed to 1,2,3. There are so many ways to please Him.
Then it makes me wonder again and again, how to live our life to please Him? Is it do things that we love but makes sure according to His greenlight? Or is it to do things that He asked us to do and be happy bout it?
A lot of things that cross my mind right now and i really dont think i can straighten it right now.
Slowly but keep on moving Muhsina. One best thing you can do is; just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.
Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Will be back for sure. IA.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
I thought that i could never say this after what i have gone through.
I AM SO BLESSED..
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
I wont and i really hope i didnt ever forget how Allah have blessed me all this while.
Life has been so much of ups and downs for the past years.
I know my path is nothing big, fancy, complicated, or devastated compared to others. But im driving on a road called life, and that road was named after mine. Life of Muhsina, me, Muhsina!. Not some Mina, Ching, Felton, Muthusamy, Ali or others (just stating some random-not related-common-none that i know names). And i wont be able to tell about others' life cause im not living their life.
As far as i can remember is when i had some common-typical teenagers quarrel with my bestfriends, finishing highscool and lost all my friends contact numbers cause i misplaced that so-called-precious biodata book back in 2007 (when nowadays everyone has facebook, whatsapp, etc and getting connected is not the main problem anymore -_-), then entering medschool when the reality is i have never even imagine being a doctor except that one tiny moment during my prayer (solah) i had that one distractive thought that crossed my mind 'what life might be if i become a doctor?' (Solat tak khusyuk, my God) After i had that persuasive-kind-of-like conversation with my dad about what should i persue after finishing SPM, then sailing through medical school like nobody bussiness;
actually to be honest i am really blessed to pass medschool because i always have that bad habits; been doing last minute work, skip classess, i didnt like study group and i hate when somebody discussing things that i didnt know (really bad examples shall i say, please adik2 dont follow this habit of mine, BAD habit), i really didnt put high hope in every exams; my moto was 'passing is a blessing' and Alhamdulillah when the result of final exam is out and my name was called DR Muhsina, i cried my heart out, because deep down inside i know i didnt deserve it.(Double blessed!!) T-T
Then despite the colourful (mostly black and grey but they still colours anyway) moment of housemanship phase, Allamdulillah i manage to complete housemanship without any extension + that 3 months confinement (wuhuu, that time feeling like a normal housewife waiting for husband to come home from work)
Then i enter that very dark, gloomy days of my life. 5 months of hellish experience that i would never ever want to go back. I dont even need to recall it back, because that scars, it never fades even after months i escaped from there.
But passing that moment of time really teach me never to mistrust Allah, never to loss hope in Allah's blessings, never to disbelief in yourself and your close ones. Their prayers, thats the most powerful support you can have. If i didnt sail throught that moment i wouldnt know how blessed i am.
How i gain back my self confident, how i raise back after i lost that battle, how i grow and bloom again after that heavy rainfall.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for that i call a blessing as well.. big blessing that shaped me again.
Even now and then, i trully believe that when we surrounded by good people, we will be good as well. I am blessed as i have really good people around me in this place. those staffs that i can jokes around with, share the bad and good days, helping each other, concern for each others meal; my God, they are really melting my heart with their acts. As simple as 'Hi doktor, sihat?', 'doktor nak pesan apa2 kami nak beli makanan ni', 'doktor kami simpankan air doktor dlm peti ais takut nnt tak sedap' uwaaa akak2 dan adik2 nurses, u guys are the best. So sweet of u guys.
All in all, i am now convince that NEVER EVER loss hope in Allah's blessing, as everything that happen is for a reason. Allah wants to make you stronger, Allah wants you to trust Him, Allah wants you to pray to Him, Allah wants you to put Him 1st. Why?
Simply because He doesnt give someone things that person cant handle. 2: 286. Within your capacity. Believe that.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. ILY Allah. T-T
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
What writing means to me is that freedom of expressing my feeling without thinking what the effect of it. Yes it sound as childish as it can be because im writing it in an open blog instead of in a private and personal diary.
What makes me continue writing anyway? Its because i think someone somewhere might get that something from my writing. That small tiny bit of encouragement or moral of the story sort of thing.
The freedom to pour out my thought and my feeling is just like chatting and expressing it to someone. But in the contrary, this other 'someone' is here. That as mute as it can be but as non-judgemental as it is.
What benefits i get from this? I can always look back to it and get the moral of the story from my own experience. Sort of like the pool of memories from Dumbledore's room (that Harry Potter accidently jump into it in the Goblet of fire movie). Anyway, it does makes me feel more relax and finally ventilating after that suffocating moments.
Next time im reading this i might not remember why i start writing this post but anyway, my 5cents advice (esp for myself) always take time to calm down and relax yourself. Never follow your anger/emotional instability just because you feel out of it. You might feel relief for a while after expressing your feelings to someone, be it expression of love, anger, dissatisfaction, disappointment, sympathy etc but once you are out of that moment you will realize it might actually causing bad outcome in the future. So take time to think about the pros and cons of what you about to blurt out then express your thought properly.
I might seems like a confident person but im fully aware that i am not good at choosing the right words at that crucial moment. So this is my 'take 5' moment.
May Allah ease everything. I might be doing some good to someone that i dont even know. May Allah bless the deceased and the others who suffer from this.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.
Sg Petani Court
*Subpoena looking much glorious than sepina isnt?
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
The tittle might seems a bit exaggerated but that exactly how i feel when finally escaped from there (a place that should not be mentioned)..
5 months of suffering, with tears, depression and anxiety that never that high before. Even now when thinking of that phase makes me palpitation and restless.
O Allah, all praise to You. The Almighty, The Merciful, The All-Known. Each passing day i could never thank You enough for letting me out from there.
It crushes me down, it breaks me apart, it slowly kills me inside. No one knows except my husband and a good friend of mine. Until at one point of time i couldnt bear it anymore. I know i should seek help, i know i MUST get out from there. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant my du'a during the Holy Month of Ramadhan.
It sound unprofessional just by sending text telling me that im out from there. But i think it benefit us both. Me and her. When i think she knows that she play the major part of my hellish phase that i dont ever want to turn back. I couldnt even look her in the eye. I couldnt even hear her voice. I could never gain that courage to face her again.
I then gone into 2 weeks of hiatus before reporting to a new place. It was like entering heaven; that relief, that joy, that sense of belonging that finally yet slowly comes in. Alhamdulillah3x.
It tooks at least a total of 1 month for me to get back to old me. The happy, smilling me. Yes, with the help of shrink and meds. I am glad. I reach out for help and i find it. I didnt think its an embarresment to admit that i need help and i DID ask for help. Cause it WORKS. Alhamdulillah.
Now i can proudly say im enjoying this new place and will always improve myself day by day. Gaining new knowledge and experience. Maybe one day insyaAllah i got that courage to further study and who knows i can be a great muslimah surgeon. Wallahua'lam.. even a chronic MO doesnt sound bad when i think i achieve being at the 'top'; being a good doctor, a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter/inlaw and a good member of society and of course a good abd to Him.
What ever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal..
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Too many things happen within this 2 years of silence (in here only lah) that i would say.. "sekejapnya masa berlalu"
But not too much to say. Nothing walk too fast or too slow. Everything move at it own pace.
Its only depend on us. Either to enjoy the ride, sail through the moment. Or fall into the deepest hole. Crawling every single day. Just to finish the so called 'uncomfortable time period"
Such a waste isn't? Walking day by day just waiting for it to finish. But at that particular moment. Everything seems impossible. Just to make the end met. Just to put full stop at it.
When it finally end, only then i realised i should have made the moment count. Cherished every moment, memories. Because nothing will turn back the clock (yes not even wishing for it to turn back).
But enough to say, the experience make me grow older (aging surely), more mature and wiser.
On the contrary.. 2 years of marriage life is definitely something extraordinary. Way beyond i can ever imagine.
Too much of loneliness before, never can compare to finding your other half. Completes you. Heal you. Understand you well. Who would thought i actually didnt know me that well until we found each other (till jannah insyaAllah 😊) seriously speaking. Habits and all, like a mirror. Like a clothing that wraps around you. Only now i truly understand the verse, "Pelindung bagi wanita, pakaian bagi mu" (will add the verse later, cant remember the verse atm) n I could not imagine these 2 years with him. 😙
But beyond the cheeziness, the message i wanted to convey is that: marriage is not all about the lovy dovy things, it has the ups and downs, good and bad moments. But like he always emphasize "always find a way to protect our marriage, till jannah insyaAllah".
Jaga diri, jaga peribadi. InsyaAllah He will find you the right person for you. Just. The. Right. One.
Maybe now. Maybe later. But He will. If not in Dunya, surely in Akhirah. Just believe Him. ☺😉
having MH jr. definitely take a new turn anyway. Being a new mom with not so much of experience (?) plus time constraint (work to blame maybe 😅?) definitely a new challenge that i never experience before. Mr MH play a MAJOR role in raising her. Imagine all the oncall back-to-back, postnight shift, and all. Sometimes i'll passed out right after back home. Its definitely take someone so patience and caring to handle her while her mommy gone into the lala land. May Allah bless him Jannah (amin!)
Even now im still tagging MO (entering 4th month 😧😥 of tagging period) back to back oncall never fails to amuse me (Bila la nak habis ni yaAllahu akhbar!) Sooo tired and sleepy everytime finished one after another oncalls. Fuh. But he still never fails to care for me and our child. May Allah bless you, abang. (Amin!)
Ya Allah permudahkanlah perjalanan hidup kami, tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang terbaik menujuMu. Moga kami redha akan setiap ketentuan yang Engkau telah tetapkan. Moga kami temui setiap inci hikmah dalam aturanMu ya Allah. Amin ya Rabbal Alamin..
"dan Dialah y menidurkan kamu pada mlm hari dan Dia mengetahui apa y kamu kerjakan pada siang hari. kemudian Dia membangunkan kamu pada siang hari utk disempurnakan umurmu y telah ditetapkan. kemudian kepadaNya tempat kamu kembali, lalu Dia memberitahukan kepadamu apa y tlh kamu kerjakan." Al-An'am 6: 60